& it's all over the place; (pt. 2)

i guess i'll be updating this story in paragraph form. two paragraphs each. unlike part 1, i did not continually edit. again, quoting ms. erykah badu, "keep in mind that i'm an artist and i'm sensitive about my shit"


I do know her personally; I'm not one of those creeps admiring the back of her head from my assigned seat. We've hung out outside of school. Nor am I one of those best friends concealing attraction. We're just friends, except she knows what I want with her. I'd like to think that the attraction's mutual, but I'm starting to think otherwise. I'm not her convenient lover, but every time we progress in this pseudo relationship of ours, Amy does some fucked up shit, like ignore me a whole day at school.

It's Monday and just Saturday we shared what I thought was an intense moment. It was one of those things where you're wrapped in a hug, throwing body heat, and creating sexual tension. She was feeling the situation too, but when I moved in for a kiss, Amy turned her face, letting my lips brush her blushing cheek. Embarrassing. I knew she wanted to kiss, but she won't until we're in a real relationship. So we talked about it, it was slightly confrontational. How unreal is my attraction to her? It's been a seven year crush. Who else would wait for seven whole years without any type of sexual contact besides holding hands, but me? I even give her space and when she ignores me, I don't whine to her about it. I do love her and Amy, well she's Amy. She doesn't not like me.

so, i'm writing a short story;

update update update update! i'm working on a short story inspired by the love life...or lack of love life of someone close to me. i want it to be a real under dog story, it's a work in progress and permission was given of course...i wonder if he'll like my skills. if you're reading this, "keep in mind that i'm an artist and i'm sensitive about my shit"


Cock Tease

She's done this before, ignored me for a whole day. She knows what she's doing. Five seconds of eye contact, my tongue surprised by the restriction of movement to form the word "hi" by my half opened mouth, she, diverting her stare not quite acknowledging my existence. She knows exactly what she's doing. Fuck her. Nah, I love her. The overwhelmingly epic depiction of my love life: boy likes girl, girl ignores boy intentionally and so on. It's only at school though. They get off on that type of stuff you know, girls; always seeking the thrill of being sought after.

My thrill seeker, her name is Amy, Amy Rose. Beautiful. Seven years we've been together, well that's a considerable long time because I'm actually counting the years we stayed in the same class. Seven long, confusing, subtle hinting years. Okay, our relationship is really like dry foreplay. Clothes on, full erection, teasing, then blue balls. Fucking cock tease.

to me, you're words.

often i have contemplated the very words i would use to belittle your intelligence and bruise the ego you conned me into ignoring. i loved you. i believed you. i enacted a cliche romance, just for you. it wasn't good enough, you wanted and needed more than what i had to offer, and i offered me wholly. you had my undivided attention and misused it. you took what was yours and trampled on it. came back and denied it again. you threw my cliche love to the side and used me, abused me, and i let you do it, willingly. you see, i loved you and you were going to love me too, just as long as i could tolerate your adoration. i was wrong. why should i make you want to love me when love to you doesn't even exist. i closed my eyes to your discrete resistance. you were supposed to love me more, more is what you told me, more is what i believed. but you hurt me more, broke me more, and never stopped to let me catch a breath before you rained down more pain. to you, my love was a game. you tinkered around with my devotion when you were the one to say 'i love you' first.

my mother;

said i dress in to many colours--so i got this shirt:
teenage rebellion i think not ! passive aggressiveness ? nahh wasn't even thinking about her cmnt when i got it. yes i know i look like a hippie; my goal was reached.

i hate being sick i become how do i say it. . .NEEDY it so sucks that the only human interaction i had all week were these people: my mom, cat [yes she can count as human too], doctor & miss maxine [who kindly went to by this soup for me]:

yes; i like things with colour ;] but green pea soup ='s awesome.

what i noticed aim gets pretty boring after a day or so of being sick; & it becomes a tedious task; typing with acrylic nails & all. i did do something cool though; i tried laying on my air mattress to suddenly find myself face first on the floor convo btwn mom & i :

mom: WHAT DID YOU DROP?
me: myself ouchhh
mom: oh. okay.

gosh not even a "are you okay" nope. ohh update that boy well; he's not my boy anymore. but i wrote a poem; its called "his poem" --oh how original; but no its called jilted.

to want someone you cant have is to have your stomach turn knots and your knees get weak and to have the tingling sensation of blood rising at your ignorance as you try to eradicate the surge of longing from racing up and down your spine as it sends the nerves signals that reflect off the memory of what it felt like to simply brush skin with that one sin that you know can't be granted because after all its a lust. to want him is to prepare my meal knowing damn well i will not be able to eat it because he made me lose my appetite and well if you know me, to lose my appetite is something outstanding. and to want him but to not receive him is to converge at a cross road and take the road least traveled on.

now try reading that 5 times fast. for some strange[lol] reason people assume i'm a lesbian like my mom.

mom: you're a lesbian though.
me: [all hysterical] NO !
mom: oh. you're bi then.
me: no ma i like boys.
mom: yeah boys and girls
me: no just boys*walks away defeated.

well prom was great after party BAHH; too many people music was like . . . i know this song but you can't vibe to that yo. but otherwise i had a nice night with the best date in the whole entire galaxy, my nelson motherfucking angel<3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU5umWAWCF_7Q5d6TfmFr7-k7elJHSwMYxpRGM1MnLzFfL5hTg5iY75AqkvFQ1N37bJd6bkLiVwEzAQ1XCQl_S3Ju36UeKokrrVmN-vvbuCAqiJnPK7Ot3wNO2U7pCNc958YboMcI9e2M/s1600-h/mehetnelsito.jpg">

i would've had a greater time if 3 certain people would have come too [kainatwhitneyshante] bet they won't be able to deciper that secret message >:]

so i guess i'm at the point in my relationship when i start noticing small things like the forgetfulness of a simple 'i love you' which doesn't have to be mentioned but still feels good to hear it. i think the words i want to hear need to stop being bench-warmers and step up & join the game. i don't know what it is that leads me to spot "flaws" in EVERY relationship; but i do. its not like i'm falling out its more like im getting too sucked in which is also bad because i fucking hate being open.

we were so happy poor but then we got rich; i bet i quoted that wrong.

i love everything about him ugh. im such a girl. lol. & im working on a new poem; it doesnt have a title. & im contemplating on wheter i should submit a poem for this scholarship; its not local; but i feel confident in my work & even if i don't win the scholarship; then i'll still be proud of myself for taking the chance.

kickin' it;

"we look so; so . . . so not black !" [atlantic terminal;brooklyn] we didn't blend in much but luckily we weren't the target of a stray bullet [just kidding!] that's shante; [jigga/shaz/my sister] throw out her whole gov't why don't 'cha ? today was suppose to be a day well spent at the aquarium--73 degrees; HELL YEAH ! but what had happened was . . .

• 8:30am jigga comes over
• 9ish am we made breakfast --pancakes eggs & mashedpotatoes[hella bomb !]
• appearntly my cooking has drugs in it or im just black enough that people catch the itis from my cooking ;] we knocked out at around 10am & woke up a little after 1pm. [we were suppose to have left by 1 to make it to the aquarium by 3
• i was ready by 3pm lol
• took TWO trains to get to atlantic ave got off the train STARTED MY AFTERNOON with a LARGE caramel swirl latte [bc bklyn doesnt carry small cups -_- ]decided not to go to the aquarium only to find out that it was CLOSED good heavens.

met up with quana & shaqie abused them--jigga quana & shaqie
& then my boyfriend dropped by; who is awfully taller than me<3 size="3">[my doctor told me i was under avg. height]

awkward turtle o.o [shaq's turso rest of of him natural hair colour *the blonde;it was greywhen i was born then it changed colours
the perfect ending to my day. . . meeting up with my bestie mannywell except he's a little camera shy >=] & with quana

hmm more of a photo/written journal rather than an actual tangent entry. BTW; photos courtesy of jigga. view her blog link highlited in the abovee txt :]

wth?

"My husband and I splurged and ordered pizza for dinner"; read article? LMAO ohkay. that almost beats: "nearly 100% of pro-choicers were never aborted" the interweb makes me laugh. NEW PLANET FOUND omg ! im such a nerd. when i was like 10 i was convinced i would becomes an astronaut; then i was reminded about that space shuttle that blew up in '86--everyone died. & i was all like FCK that & left those dreams behind. but that was when my mom REALLY REALLY REALLY cared about what i was going to become...damn; way to crush a childs dream mom !
space balls dumb movie. see it x] i think that maybe i will invite change ?